


Little Things

by eprime



Category: Finder no Hyouteki | Finder Series
Genre: M/M, Timed Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 11:10:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3172276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eprime/pseuds/eprime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's cold inside and out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little Things

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the Timed-Challenge with the Theme: Cold at the awesome community Yamane_Ayano on Livejournal. (The challenge is open through 1/19/15, so give it a try! And read the other stories that have been posted!) I was also listening the Pet Shop Boy's version of _[Always on my Mind](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q053PBA47gY)_ earlier today, so that influenced me too. I wrote this in 75 minutes, but I did go back after I posted it and fixed my annoying tense change slip ups. (These characters belong to Yamane Ayano, not me.)

He'd been out on the terrace for over an hour, one hip against the rail as he surveyed the brilliantly lit city below him. His steaming tea, poured into a ridiculously shaped mug, had long cooled and sat on the ledge next to him like a tiny, squat gargoyle. He'd said that everything was fine, that he just needed some air.

People say that when they feel trapped, stifled, when they desperately need to breathe, don't they? They say it when they need to break free. But he wouldn't. He _couldn't_. Not after everything they'd been through. Such a notion was simply unthinkable. 

Their argument, if you could really even call it that, hadn't been that bad, certainly not one of their worst. It was more of a...talk. A resigned, quiet heart-wrenching kind of talk that sneaks up so swiftly there isn't any defense.

And now, he was out there all alone, thinking God knows what kinds of thoughts, and not looking like himself at all. His shoulders seemed to slump, and he was so still, as if the cold night air had turned him into stone too.

His own body felt cold too, hollowed out by the gnawing anxiety of the past hour. How could things change so quickly?

***

"So all the...loose ends...have been taken care of?" Akihito asked.

A faint smile lifted the corners of Asami's mouth for a moment, as if to mock Akihito's careful euphemisms, but it slipped away quickly enough. He inclined his head once. "Yes. Kuroda dealt with the matters on his end. The void Kouyama left has been filled, as satisfactorily as it can be when one is dealing with politicians."

Akihito snorted, conveying his agreement with that sentiment, at least.

"And what about..." Akihito trailed off as Asami's gaze hardened.

"There will be no fallout from how we dealt with the situation. Arbatov has no desire to escalate matters over a rogue, particularly for one he has little love."

Akihito swallowed the sudden lump that developed in his throat. He still didn't like thinking about what had happened. It wasn't guilt, precisely, that made it so difficult, because he could admit that when it came down to their lives against someone like _that man's_ , then he wasn't going to kick himself over choosing them. And it wasn't trauma, though there'd been plenty of that to deal with too. Whatever had happened, whatever responsibility he bore on his own shoulders, it wasn't an easy thing to accept. He'd killed a man. Not in cold blood, it was true, not for revenge. He didn't take pleasure in it. But...there was blood on his hands. He was...would always be...a killer. 

A flash of Asami down on one knee, crimson on his white shirt, handsome face twisted in pain, made Akihito convulse, a tiny jerk of his hands.

But he wasn't sorry. Oh no, not at all. A spurt of adrenaline ate its way up from his stomach to his chest and settled there in an unpleasant burn. He had promised himself he would watch Asami's back, and he had, just like Asami had always watched his. 

"You're thinking about it again." Asami's intense voice startled him. The man was right up in his personal space in the blink of an eye, and Akihito looked away. Asami jerked his chin back to face him.

Akihito's eyed flash. "Well, yeah. We were just talking about it, weren't we?"

"You know what I mean." Asami sounded livid. Just like when Akihito had first made an off-hand comment in the confused few hours after it had happened. His lost, wounded voice had sounded strange even to himself as he'd called himself that. It sent Asami into a cold fury that he'd only expressed by hissing that Akihito was never ever to say that again and then crushing him up against the wall, sore and bloody as they were, and kissing him until their lips bled too.

"I'm not," Akihito lied, searching for an acceptable placebo. His mind immediately lit on Sakazaki but skittered away even more quickly. "What about Sudou?"

Asami wasn't really fooled, but he backed off a little, and his faint smirk returned. "He won't bother you ever again either."

"What did you say to him?" Akihito figured he already knew, but if even Asami was going to tease him about being jealous again, he wanted confirmation. 

Looking happier by the minute, Asami loosened his tie and shrugged out of his jacket. "I recommended a good plastic surgeon. Even with the swelling down, his nose..." Asami shook his head. "How's your hand?"

"Shut up. Seriously, tell me," Akihito insisted.

"You know very well what I told him. I made it quite clear to him how lucky he is that I'm letting him leave Tokyo, and with the ability to breathe, much less still make something of himself. Well, if he gets his nose fixed," Asami added, just to tweak Akihito again.

"Whatever. I don't care." He turned away. "I wasn't jealous like you think." They both knew that statement was a colossal lie, but Asami was satisfied to press up against his back and start letting his hands roam around Akihito's chest and stomach. 

"Of course not," Asami murmured.

" _You're_ the one who acts jealous all the time! Threatening to cage me up! Too wipe out anyone who--" Akihito froze, and Asami's hands stilled. _Fuck_. Why did his words always run away with him?

After a moment, Asami's hands removed themselves from Akihito's body. Akihito turned around to face him, but Asami was laying his tie over a chair. "Did you make dinner?" Asami asked mildly. "Or do you want to order something?"

"A-Asami..." Akihito faltered. "You...are you still angry...about...about what I--"

Oh, God. How did the man always manage to move so fast? When they stood this close, Akihito's neck had to strain to look up at him.

"Yes, Akihito. I'm angry. I'm very angry that you felt like you had to do that, that you actually somehow convinced yourself that I would want you to put yourself in that position, that I would want you to go to that filth for anything. And that you didn't tell me for so long. If that worthless piece of shit was still alive, I'd take great pleasure _again_ in--"

"Asami! I didn't! I didn't think that, but I wanted to help you. I wanted to prove..."

"Prove what?" Asami asked and the anger in his voice was tempered by a tiredness that made Akihito much more anxious than before. "What do you need to prove to me? Or is it that I need to prove something to you?"

"I...I don't know what you mean," Akihito whispered.

Asami stared into Akihito's anxious gaze for a long moment, then sighed. "We've been through this before. I told you that it changes nothing between us."

"I know..." Akihito's forlorn expression seemed to increase the fatigue in Asami's expression. 

"Don't worry about it," he said, a bit more softly, giving Akihito's hair a brief caress and heading into the kitchen.

Akihito followed Asami, watching him turn the electric kettle on to boil. They stood in silence for the full minute it took. Asami poured the tea into a mug shaped like a squat green frog and silently offered it to Akihito. Akihito shook his head.

"Asami..." he tried again. "I _am_ sorry. I really didn't--"

"I know, Akihito. Shh, I know. I've been witness to your reckless thought processes too many times not to understand. And I know you wanted to help me. I bear much of the responsibility for this. I should never have allowed you to be involved, knowing how dangerous the situation was."

Akihito is torn between sorrow that Asami was trying to absolve him of much of his guilt and between anger that Asami still seemed to be dismissing him and wanting to control him. Deep down, he knew that regardless of how disgusting Akihito himself had found his actions, they still hurt Asami. But because that thought scared him deeply, Akihito reverted to form and let his vulnerabilities and anger lash out. 

"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm a grown man?" he cried. "You talk about allowing this or that, but you can't _do_ that! You can't lock me up forever! _Why?_ Why do you even want me here?"

Asami's eyes narrowed, and Akihito felt that familiar jolt. Everything was going to be all right. This was how they were. This was how they always were. Asami was going to get pissed off, and then they would have sex, and Akihito would get over his conflicted emotions and be able to admit for a little while that he _wanted_ to be right here where he was.

But that's not what happened.

Asami half turned away, and his head lowered. "You're right. You are, and I can't."

Akihito's jaw dropped open. "Huh?"

"I'm a man of few words. Perhaps too few." He coughed out a dark laugh. "Actions speak louder than words, the saying goes. But I always prided myself on meaning exactly what I did bother to say and expressing myself with crystal clarity with or without words. It seems I've failed on both counts."

"What are you talking about?" Akihito asked, hating the plaintive sound of his own voice.

Asami raised his head, and Akihito was again struck by the fatigue he could see at the corner of Asami's eyes and in the lines of his mouth. He'd never looked more human, not even when he was bleeding on the ground at Akihito's feet. The almost gentle expression in his eyes terrified Akihito, the vulnerability it suggested too staggering to process. 

"There's nothing for it, then. I'll have to go back on my word." With one hand he picked up his mug. "Perhaps we've already been to the ends of the abyss anyway. So from here...choose your own path."

Akihito went completely cold inside, so cold it made his hands tremble as they stretched toward Asami and hovered like disoriented moths in the air. "Are...are you finally kicking me out?"

Asami's expression flickered. _Pain? Sorrow?_ But then he smiled, not a smirk, just a small, resigned, self-deprecating, yet strangely tender smile. "That will never happen."

With that, he turned and left the kitchen drawing a speechless Akihito in his wake. He stopped as he opened the sliding door to the terrace. "I won't stop you. Whatever you choose."

"Wait..." Akihito whispered. "Just wait a second..."

And Asami did, paused on the threshold, his back to Akihito. Akihito's voice dried up inside him, no matter how much he tried to make himself speak. Then, Asami sighed again. "I just need some air. I'll come inside soon. Everything will be fine."

***

The clear, cold glass separated them, and Akihito stood in the room now encased in darkness. Nothing, he realized, was worse than this feeling, this separation, nothing but his own self-recrimination, the knowledge of just how badly he'd read Asami for all this time. But whatever he was feeling, no matter how scared he was, no one was ever going to call him a coward.

With shaky hands, but a firm resolve, Akihito slid open the door. Asami didn't turn, didn't move, but Akihito crept up close and looked up into that beautiful face, which he now realized has grown ever less formidable, ever less inscrutable and stern...to him. Somehow it had happened so slowly that Akihito hadn't even been aware until he'd been shocked so badly into thinking over their time together. 

The gaze that stared down at him was clear and concerned and...it tore at Akihito's heart to see it...wary. Akihito pressed his face against Asami's chest, his arms sliding around his back to tightly fist in the white shirt. "Asami...I'm sorry...I'm sorry I didn't understand."

Slowly, too slowly, Asami's arms came around him, but then he felt him breathing in his hair, caressing his shivering back. "Didn't understand what?"

"I was...stupid. Stupid and blind, and I just couldn't understand why you'd want me, and everyone always told me that I was nothing. That you'd had lots of pets and lovers and that you'd get tired of me. And I wanted you to respect me and be proud of me, and I want to be able to stand as your equal, at least in some way, but it was always so..." Akihito scrunched his face more tightly to Asami's warmth and made a sound of utter anguish because he just couldn't _say_ what he wanted to.

"Akihito..." Asami's hold tightened more.

"Wait...wait, Asami." Akihito cried. "I need to say this. I need to say that I...I'm so glad you always looked out for me. You always came for me, and I was mostly a jerk about it. Not always, but I...I didn't tell you like I should have. So...thank you..."

Asami's lips pressed against the top of his head. "And you've been a dumb jerk, too," Akihito said hastily. "But I think I finally figured out that's because you're kind of clueless about...you know...r-relationships." Something suspiciously like a choked laugh stirred his hair, but Akihito continued. "Anyway, I don't believe those other people anymore. I mean, if you didn't want me around, I'd totally be gone. I've seen you give the brush off to people before. It's not like you have a problem doing it. It's really scary, in fact. So...so if you wanted me gone, I'd know it. For some reason, you like guys like me, I guess. You...you like _me_. Who am I to question that kind of thing anyway, since I..." His voice dropped almost to nothing, and he felt Asami strain to hear him. "I like _you_." His face flushed bright red, but it was still hidden against Asami's shirt, so that was okay. "And what you said earlier about actions...I get that. I can see that...that you showed me a lot of things in your own fucked up way."

When Asami pulled back just a little, enough to raise Akihito's chin, the full truth burned its way out of Akihito's heart and onto to his lips. "What I mean is...I _love_ you. I love you, Asami. There's nobody else. There never will be. I want to stay here with you."

Oh, God, the expression on Asami's face was worth the writhing anxiety and embarrassment eating up his insides. Akihito stared at him in fascination until Asami swallowed up his gape with a searing kiss that soothed all the exposed nerve endings of his soul and psyche and made Akihito feel like he was right where he was supposed to be. 

He just needed to make absolutely sure. "So...we're good, then?"

Asami laughed outright this time, ruffling through Akihito's hair, which was sometimes annoying, but now Akihito just soaked up the affection with shameless greed. 

"Two things first." Asami smirked.

Akihito deflated a little, but he knew, when he thought about it, that Asami wouldn't act amused if it were something really bad. "What?"

"First, just to be perfectly clear, I never kept any pets. Until now," he added when Akihito brightened. Akihito's smile turned into a glare, but he knew Asami really was only teasing by the way his mouth twitched. "Perhaps your assessment of my relationship skills is not inaccurate. I've only ever had the occasional lover. It's usually been a mutual parting of the ways, a temporary understanding. Sometimes they even broke it off first."

Akihito stared in delighted shock at that news, and Asami chuckled. "Does that amuse you so much?"

"Well, _yeah_ ," Akihito enthused. "It's good to know there are some people with good sense out there who can resist the mighty Asami Ryuichi's charms."

" _You_ can't."

The smile wiped right off his face. _Dammit._

"Y-you said there were two things," Akihito countered. "What's the other one?"

"The guilt you feel about Sakazaki and about some of the other things that have happened, that you think you may have caused. You didn't." The blunt words made the blood drain out of Akihito's face, and his arms fell away from Asami. "Don't," Asami commanded, though his voice was gentle. "I want you to let go of it."

"But...Asami..." Akihito whispered. "You...you said you're still angry."

"Not in the way you think. And, anyway, I'm not, despite what I said. Not now. Though, I'll tie you down in the secret room and treat you to a healthy session with _all_ my favorite implements if you so much as entertain the idea of using such methods again." Asami's voice is dark with promise.

Akihito flushed at that threat, his eyes sliding away as his body reacted in other ways. A warm hand cupped his cheek. "God knows, you've cause enough to hate me. And my association to you, no matter how I've tried to diminish it in the eyes of those who would use or hurt you...you've faced too often the consequences. I'm the one who should be wracked with guilt. Fortunately for me, I don't _do_ guilt." The flicker in his golden eyes, and they way his fingers lingered at Akihito's cheek told a different story. "So, what do you say we both agree not to dwell on the past?"

Akihito swallowed heavily and nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I think I can do that."

"Good." Asami stared at him with a peculiar look on his face.

"What is it?" Akihito asked, squirming a little under the intense gaze. It wasn't Asami's, 'I'm getting ready to rip your clothes off' look, but it definitely set Akihito on edge.

"Asami?"

"I love you, Akihito."

The words were said simply, like Asami had said them a million times before. Through Akihito's stunned pleasure, he recalled all the things he had thought about over the past hour and realized that, almost certainly, he had.


End file.
